Beautiful Creatures

     I just finished an awesome book. And when I read an awesome book, I want everyone to know about it. This book: Beautiful Creatures by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl.

     What was so great about this YA paranormal romance? It was different. I'm starting to understand what agents and publishers say about wanting something different from the rest. Of course every book is different. But a lot are the same- same plot points, same kind of characters, same kind of love story. You really have to work hard to make it different and stand out if you're writing paranormal YA these days since it's so popular.
      Some of the differences in this book? Well, for one, it was told from a boy's point of view. Most YA books written by females are told by the female lead. So that earned this book a point. Another thing, instead of leading you through the whole book until the very end with the big 'reveal'- they said it near the beginning. That wasn't the whole point of the book. No- they fall in love but can't be together because, surprise, at the end she turns out to be a witch. Instead we find out early on that she has powers but that's not the problem- or at least not the only problem. Another point.
      And a big hook for me- the book delves into the past, civil war era to be exact. I love that. I love to go back in time when I'm reading. And not only that, but I was reading about the South, somewhere I've only visited once but clearly don't get. The kind of place you have to live in to understand.
     Ok so I'm not very good at book reviews. But the book was awesome. I said that already but it's true. Awesome. One that will stick with me for the awhile- at least until I get pulled into the world of the next book I read.

Covers

     You know that saying, Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover? Well I totally do. And I'm not talking about people here (although I probably do that sometimes too). I'm talking about actual books.

     One of the things that attracts me to YA books is their awesome covers. Publishers have really figured that all out because there are some great and beautiful book covers out there. Some of my faves- Cassandra Clare's Mortal Instruments series all have great covers, Becca Fitzpatrick's Hush Hush and Crescendo, and of course the Twilight covers are very unique but beautiful.

     One book that I'd been dying to read, based on its cover alone, was "Fallen" by Lauren Kate. I don't think I'd even read the blurb about it before I started reading it, that's how much the cover drew me. Who knows why exactly, but something about that cover alone made me want to read the book. And the book delivered. It was great and it kept me reading late into the night (which is probably why I'm sick now). I found the mystery surrounding Daniel easy to figure out, but I was surprised by the rest of the characters and the ending didn't go like I was expecting it to. That's always a good thing. And she left questions unanswered which some people find annoying but it makes me anxious for the next book. Definitely a book I'd recommend.

     Speaking of covers, not like I'll have any say if it ever comes to that, but I'm thinking of just a sword. Or a girl holding a sword. Or one side of the girls face showing with the sword blocking the other side (although Rampant kind of already did that one). Or a half of a man's face (Alric) and a half of a girls face (Jessica) with the sword in the middle separating the two faces. I tried to figure out how to make one myself but my talents definitely don't run in the computer/images/editing vein. Too bad.

New Alric

     Ok, I had my Alric already picked out. But sorry James Maslow, after seeing Beastly last night I think I've changed my mind.

     Um, Alex Pettyfer- will you PLEASE be my Alric. All I will say is whoo-eee mama! He's got the right build, the right lips, and exactly the right wavy, curls-around-his-ears hair- he's only got to dye it brown. I describe Alric as looking like a Calvin Klein model and I think Alex Pettyfer has that down no prob. He's even British. The only thing I don't know is his eye color, but if they're not green there's always color contacts. Can you not totally see this guy in armor, wielding a sword? (I can!)

     Funny thing is, as I was just looking him up (to see if he's British, not to ogle- I swear), I read that he might play the role of Jace Wayland in the movie version of Cassandra Clare's Mortal Instruments novels. He's also been offered the role of Daniel Grigori in the movie version of Lauren Kate's novel "Fallen" (what I'm reading right now and yes, he looks exactly the part for that book too). So obviously I'm not the only one who can see him as her novel's hero. By the time my book gets made into a movie (I know I know, don't laugh at my blind optimism), he'll probably be all character-from-a-novel-ed out. Ah well.

     In other news... I'm changing the music. As much as I love BLG, it's a new month which means new music and I think this time I'm going to pick my fave One Republic songs (including "All This Time" which is total inspiration for the very end of my very last Jessica book).
     So enjoy... the music and the beautiful Alex Pettyfer.

Head Explosion

     Well it's been an interesting week. Not that anything exciting has happened. Rather it's been interesting for me emotionally. I've talked before of ups and downs and I swear, my life is full of them (as I'm sure most people's lives are).

     Last week while at my parents house, I worked a bit on book 2 and then I had inspiration for a new chapter 1 for book 1 so I wrote that as well. Then when I got home, after a weekend of slacking off, I went back to book 1 to incorporate my new chapter 1. Let me tell you, it wasn't easy. In fact I remember on Tuesday, staring at the computer screen and thinking, I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I SHOULD do this. Am I messing with an already good thing? Am I actually making it worse? Should I just leave it alone?

     In the past, my new beginnings haven't changed much past chapter one. This time though I had to change quite a bit in the next three chapters or so to make it work. That involved cutting things that I really liked. But I slogged on through and did it. Then on Wednesday I printed it off and edited it on paper (three chapters only). Today I fixed those edits on the computer and I'm about to go and edit it on paper again to see if I've managed to make it work.

     Through all this worry about my chapter one (something I worry about constantly), I've had inspiration for a completely different book. Not Jessica, not fantastical in any way, not YA even. I'm quite excited about it but of course I don't want to jump in on that until I've finished book 2 of Jessica. To add to all that my mind has been full of the book I finished yesterday, Libba Bray's A Great and Terrible Beauty. It was a good book, although the title is a bit misleading. It wasn't at all what I thought it would be about but it was very good and I'd recommend it.
     Plus my mind's been full of various period movies I've watched lately (hence all the pictures). It started with Wives and Daughters at my mom's house. And because that got me in the mood for period movies, I've since watched Becoming Jane (one of my all-time fave movies) and Persuasion (the one with oh-so-handsome Rupert Penry-Jones, see below).

     Of course that doesn't include all the things my mind is usually full of like my kids, my daily chores, trying to not eat like a cow, the three Gossip Girl episodes I watched this week, and so on and so on.
     It's a wonder my brain hasn't exploded. Actually, this is quite normal for me and I'm starting to think it's what makes me so exhausted all the time. It's not what my body is doing physically, but all the zillions of things that are constantly on my mind all at once. I think, in fact, that it's the plague that most women have to endure. Case in point: in Harry Potter 5 Hermione explains all the different emotions Cho Chang is going through when Harry kisses her, leaving Harry and Ron both speechless with incredulity (see movie clip below, it's right at the end of the clip after the harry/cho kiss).
     Anyway, to avoid head explosion, I have a blog. With long entries such as this that start somewhere but end in a completely different place. Already I can feel my head lightening...

Problems

   
     Ok, I've got problems.
     Well, duh. I've always known I had problems, but now I can add another one to an alarmingly long and growing list.
     New problem: constantly rewriting my first chapter. I did it AGAIN this past week while I was at my parents house. The thing is, I've liked every one of my zillion beginnings. I'm just trying to find the BEST one. The one that grabs, that hooks, that explains without too much backstory. I think I've got it and then one day out of the blue I'll get this totally different idea and I just have to write it down.
     It's become an issue, let me tell you. An addiction maybe. I can't just leave it. I can't let it go. This latest new beginning is a bit different than before but I think it's going to work. I hope it will be the last one. Hopefully.
     Ha ha, yeah right. In another week or month I'll probably be writing a new one. Sheesh! There needs to be a can't-stop-re-writing-your-first-chapter support group out there. Maybe I'll start one...

Plans

     So, here's my plan. Why am I writing it on my blog? Do you really care? No. Probably not. But this is my plan and if I write then maybe I'll stick to it. Like my new years resolutions, whatever they were.
     I've finished editing my first book for the last time. Well, at least the last time for now! Haha. What I mean is, I'm sending it, and I'll keep sending it out for while, but if I get nowhere I think I'm going to shelve it for awhile. As much as I love the book, Jessica and Alric, and the whole idea for books to come, I don't think I should overdo it to the point of squashing it flat.
     Meanwhile, I'm finishing my second Jessica book. Why? Mainly because I have the story in my head and I need to get it out. I don't want to leave it sitting there unfinished, even if I'm just going to shelve that one too once I'm done. I HAVE to get it finished. So I'm working on that now. My only problem with that is I'm making quite a few changes to what I've already got: adding a character and changing an exisiting character almost drastically. So that's been work but it's got to be done before I can move foreward and finish the darn thing.
     Then... well, bye-bye Jessica and hello somebody new. I'm going to write something completely new. Don't know what yet, but I do have an idea on what my new character is going to be like and a loose idea of what's going to happen to her.
     So there it is. My PLAN.
     It's funny because awhile ago I remember thinking, if Jessica doesn't go anywhere, will I really write something else? But now, even though I've started getting those no's again (and they hurt, believe me), I know that the more writing I do, the better I will get. And hey, maybe if one of my later books is more successful than my first one, hopefully I can go back to Jessica and get her out there. Because I just can't let her go. And I probably never will be able to.

For Such A Time Is This

    
     A few Sundays ago, Sis. Williams gave a great RS lesson. It was based on a talk given by Norma B. Ashton (wife of Marvin J. Ashton) and called "For Such A Time Is This". She basically read different bits of the talk and gave us pretty paper to write notes down on. The talk had so many great things in it that I just had to share my notes.
  • We spend too much time preparing for an unknown future that we forget to live- I totally do this sometimes! I look ahead, planning on what's coming next month, next holiday, next birthday, next season, that I'm missing what's happening NOW.
  • Waiting for a brighter future might make you miss a beautiful day- LOVE THAT! How much of my life and my kids lives am I missing because I'm constantly dreaming of being a published author?!
  • Have an abundant life today and tomorrow
  • Life is what happens when you have other plans- duh. We're going through that right now with a conflict between my awesome jazz class and a possible new calling for Jeff
  • Work with what you have
  • Others are NOT responsible for how we react to our problems- such an important thing to remember!!!
  • We need to find our own answers on how to live- so true! Just because X works for so-and-so, doesn't mean it will work for us. Just because Miss-Amazing-Mother uses cloth diapers to help the environment, doesn't mean we have to too.
  • "Ought to" and "Should" are NOT commandments- that goes with the last one. Yes we "ought to" bake homemade bread, or we "should" potty train our children by the time they're two, but that doesn't mean it HAS to be that way (although kudos to all you who manage those because I sure can't!)
  • To give up our interests wrinkles the soul- aw, love it. Helps me to feel not quite as guilty about my writing habit
  • And my favorite: If we trust in God, we won't experience fear- that goes along with my fave scripture, ...I fear not what man can do, for perfect love casteth out all fear (Moroni 8:16)
     So there we have it. A great talk, a great lesson (and a pretty picture)- so great that I had to share. Hope you get inspired like I did.

Rampant

     Can I just say, YAY FOR BOOKS!
     A couple of nights ago I started watching a movie. About half an hour in I sat there thinking, do I really want to watch this for another hour or more? Am I all that interested? Do I really care if Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin work it out?
     Um, NO. I'd much rather read. And that's what I did.
     I just don't get those people out there who don't read. Who think TV or movies are way more entertaining. Try reading. Just try it- one book. I can even recommend some great ones, depending on your interests (I've read something from almost every genre). Although I do enjoy tv and movies, there's just something about a really great book that has me almost lost to the world around me, even when I'm not reading. I can feel the stories so much more, understand the characters on deeper levels. I get excited in a way that I don't get for anything else.

     The book I just finished this time which had me deleting that silly movie off my PVR half an hour in, was Diane Peterfreund's "Rampant". An awesome book about a unicorn hunter. I love how she took our fairy-tale-like notions of sweet, cuddly unicorns and changed that into scary, man-eating, fanged monsters. It was something so new and fresh (at least for me) that I couldn't help but get caught up in it. I just finished the book this afternoon and I wasn't disappointed with anything. I can't wait to get my hands on "Ascendant", the sequel to Rampant.
     I just want to say it again. Yay for books. Because they are awesome.

Stats

    
     As I'm back into the querying process- spending time researching agents, reading countless blogs and books, and still editing- I found an interesting bit of info. This author (who will remain nameless because even though she posted this online I still feel weird about giving away other people's info so freely) was sharing how she got her agent on one blog and she gave these stats that I found interesting:

-11 years of writing

-11 manuscripts

-211 rejections from editors (2 fulls and 1 partial requested over the years)

-12 contests/grants entered (1 win)

-75 rejections from agents (12 fulls and 2 partials requested, mainly last year)

-1 yes!

     Now I've only written one book (and about 1/3 of another), I've only received a handful of rejections, never entered a contest, and have only been writing seriously for a little over a year. But I found her stats heartening. Why? Well, the downside is that it might take me 11 years to finally get my yes. I might need a lot more writing experience to get that yes. But on the other hand, my bare number of no's doesn't even come close to hers. It's yet another reminder to keep plugging away. And to keep writing especially so I can just get better and better. 

Fame

   
    I felt a little depressed yesterday after my writer's courses. Not that they were discouraging or anything like that because they weren't at all. Mostly I think it was just the reality of it all. I sit at home at my computer and write and edit and dream that everyone will fall in love with the world and characters that I've created- just like I have. Learning about the business of writing- marketing, publishing, etc- just reminds me that this is a business. And a tough one. I know I've said it before but it's something that I constantly forget.
     Last night I watched the movie Fame (the recent one). What a good idea that turned out to be. It helped to motivate me and bring my spirits back up. Not that I'm trying to be "famous", but trying to be a published author is similar, and just as hard, as trying to be an actor, singer, dancer, etc. In the  movie certain characters realize their dreams, and others have their dreams crushed.  You'd think that might bring me down but it didn't. It was just another reminder to keep trying. That dreaming isn't enough- you have to DO. I know that even if I DO, that might not mean things will happen, but at least I can look back and say, I DID.
     There was one particular quote that really got me though, and I had to pause the movie to write it down. I want to share it because it really spoke to me:

Everything you're ashamed of,
All the parts of yourself you keep secret,
Everything you want to change about yourself;
It's who you are.
That's your power.
Deny it and you are nothing.

      Let me tell you, there's a lot I don't like about myself. There's a lot I try to hide, to keep secret. I need to use it, channel it, write it. I think that even if I never get where I want to be, at least I will have learned about myself along the way. I will have done my absolute best. And if I haven't realized my dreams- hopefully I'll have realized my full potential.

So You Want to Write a Novel



I went to the Calgary Library's Writer's Weekend today. It was really great. The classes I attended were: Marketing Your Writing, Fiction Writing, Resources for Writers, and Publishers on Publishing. It was all great, informative and helpful. The one I found the most helpful was Marketing Your Writing. She started her presentation with the above cartoon from YouTube. So funny that I had to share it!
I just want to say a thank you to the Calgary Public Library for doing stuff like today's workshops and the Writer-in-Residence program and things like that for writers. Even though my membership cost a mint because I don't live in Calgary, it's great to be part of a writing community and to have opportunities to learn more about the craft and the business of writing.
Sadly, I tend to come away from stuff like that with mixed feelings. On one hand- I see all the others out there who like to write and who support each other and I feel that comraderie and connection. But on the other hand, it's a tough business- one that I'll be lucky to break into. It doesn't help when the publishing world in general is faltering.
All I can say is, ah well. I will keep writing. It's my dream. Sometimes dreams come true, sometimes they don't. But I will keep writing because it makes me happy. Worrying about publishing does not make me happy. So I need to remember to focus on the writing, to enjoy it, to work at it. Then if somethng comes of it one day, to take that as the icing on the cake, not the cake itself.

I heart Boys Like Girls


    
     Ok, sick of the musicals. Except All I Ask of You- I swear I could sing along to that song over and over. Luckily no one hears me except my kids- I'm that terrible. I decided to pay homage to my fave band- Boys Like Girls and put only them on my playlist. Wish playlist.com had "Contagious" but no such luck! Anyway, love you guys, can't wait for album #3, and hopefully one day I'll get to see you in concert!

And should I admit a teensy crush on this guy?! No, I probably shouldn't.

Here We Go Again

 
    I've finished yet another edit on the computer, an edit on paper (I've probably killed a forest by now- sorry trees), and I'm in the middle of editing on the computer one last time to make sure I don't have any mistakes. That might seem extreme but when I take all my notes and edits on paper and fix them on the computer, there's bound to be mistakes (there has been) so I have to go through it all again just to make sure.
     Yesterday I started the querying process again. One agent is now the recipient of my brand new query letter, and another agent has that new query letter and my new first chapter. It feels like I'm starting out all over again. I can't help but feel that hopeless positivity- mainly because this new stuff hasn't been rejected yet.
     It's like when I sent my book out for the very first time. I did it the old fashioned way- mailing it in to a very prestigious agency/agent. And then I waited for two months, all the while dreaming that I would get that phone call asking to see more. Of course that was a ridiculous dream. I'd like to hear of one author who got an agent from their VERY FIRST query. I don't think one exists. Because the fact is that no matter how amazing your book or query letter might be, not everyone will be interested in the subject.
     I was reading in Writer's Digest some successful query letters and the agents view on why they chose them. One of them was so mind-numbingly boring to me that if I was an agent I would have tossed it after the first two sentences. Obviously it hooked that particular agent though because he requested more and then eventually represented that author. It just goes to show that no matter how good your query or first chapter might be (and mine might totally suck- who knows), there will still be some agents out there who just won't be interested because it's not their thing or they're already representing something similar.
     Now that I'm back to checking my email every five minutes- or trying NOT to do that- I can't help but feel anxious and nervous and excited and scared and hopeful that maybe this time, my new stuff will do the trick. But it probably won't. And after the first few rejections I'll get, it won't matter so much anymore and I'll just keep plugging away on my search to find someone, ANYONE, who will see the potential in my work. And if I get nowhere, well, then I guess I'll have to go back and edit some more, rewrite my query letter, cut, maybe change my first chapter for the ka-billionth time.
     It's either that, or give up. And no way am I going to do that.

Steam Punk

    
     I read my first "steam punk" book this week. It was Scott Westerfeld's Leviathan. If you don't know what steam punk is, it's a mix of the past and future. Usually it takes place in the late 1800s or early 1900s but with technology that is futuristic. Think Wild Wild West.
     It took me a bit to get into the book, mostly because it had terminology that I just didn't know. But once I got used to it, and thanks to some great illustrations, the book got better and better as I went along. Last night about halfway through I couldn't put it down and I just finished it at lunch. I'm excited for Behemoth, which is book two that I'm hoping I can snatch up from the library this afternoon.
     Steam punk, like dystopian, probably wouldn't be my genre of choice. But with great characters (I love the girl pretending to be a boy to join the army), and an action-packed story, Leviathan hooked me. So if you want to give steam punk a try, pick this one up first. I'd definitely recommend it to my husband and nephews because it's a great boys book.

The Phantom of the Opera

     I watched The Phantom of the Opera last night (the movie not the live, on-stage version). Why my obsession with musicals lately? Well I've got a CD case in my van and I usually listen to whatever I'm in the mood for. Just after christmas I decided I would listen to EVERY CD. I'm now at the part of the case that holds soundtracks. I've already listenend to Moulin Rouge, Hairspray, and Chicago. Now I'm on Phantom and Fame will be next.

    I wasn't even sure I wanted to watch the movie in the first place because I was tired and it's a long movie. I made the right decision. I haven't watched it in forever but I loved every second. If you'd have been there to witness it, you would have seen me roll my eyes at the mist, laugh at Minnie Driver's brilliant performance, cry at the end (poor Phantom), and hold the blanket up to my mouth to cover my foolish grinning. I got all giddy at certain parts. Who knows why. Clearly, I have issues. Or maybe just a great love for beautiful music. Probably both. 



     Why the reason for this post? None really. Except I'm still hearing the songs in my ears, I've got the images of the characters floating in front of my eyes, and I'm feeling it all in my soul. Sounds cheesy but it's true. Another reason: pretty pictures.
Can you believe that's Gerard Butler?!

Dream Roles

    So in another life I was totally a broadway star. Seriously. It's a dream I've long given up due to the fact that 1- my voice sucks, and 2- my dancing is not up to par (at least not anymore!). But it's something I dreamed about when I was younger and watched an alarming number of movie musicals. I've even been in some musicals- West Side Story, Carousel, Guys and Dolls- although never with a starring role.
     Some of the dream roles I've wanted to play...
  
     I was 17 when Hercules came out. I know, I know, it's not a Broadway musical. But I just love Meg and the song she sings, "I Won't Say I'm In Love". If it was an actual play- give me the part of Meg, I would totally rock that song and the line, "do you have a name to go along with all those rippling pectorals?"


     As a teen, I wanted to be Eponine from Les Mis. I totally connected to "On My Own"- you know, dreaming of that guy who just doesn't notice you. As I've gotten older, wiser, and more cynical, I connect more with Fantine's "I Dreamed a Dream". Honestly, I'd take either part.

     I didn't get introduced to Chicago until the movie version came out. I'll admit, it's a little risque. But "All That Jazz" is probably the song I've belted out the most when I'm in the car by myself. And I love to soften it up a bit and sing "Funny Honey" (I could only get the first 30 seconds of the song). Give me either part and I'd be happy.

     Again, Moulin Rouge is not a broadway musical. And playing a courtesan is not my ideal. The singing is a little high for me, but I'd have the dancing down no prob. So why Mouling Rouge? Two words: Ewan McGregor. Who could say no to singing alongside him? (Although if I'm going to go with that reasoning I'd have to add High School Musical or Hairspray for the reason of Zac Efron.) Besides, the music is just awesome.

     Phantom of the Opera is my 2nd fave musical (Les Mis takes the top spot). I could NEVER EVER play the role of Christine- my voice is so not operatic. But All I Ask of You is just so beautiful, I've dreamt of doing that duet with the man I love. (Can you imagine Jeff singing that?!) And a side note: Gerard Butler is the hottest Phantom I've ever seen.



     Growing up I watched a lot of old musicals, and there were a few roles I thought I'd be good at. 1) Ava Gardner's role in Show Boat- "Can't Help Lovin' That Man" (I found one version on playlist but I had to delete it because it annoyed me). 2) Ado Annie from Oklahoma- "I Cain't Say No" (couldn't find it on playlist). 3) Adelaide from Guys and Dolls (couldn't find any of her songs either).
        

Those are my dream roles. In my dreams I'm belting them out on stage to thunderous applause. Hey- it could happen. Ok, probably not.

Passive Voice

    I've been struggling lately with PASSIVE VOICE. I get the concept, but not enough for me to be able to point it out in my own writing. I've read that passive voice can be the death of any author because agents and publishers think it's lazy writing and are therefore trained to notice it. Passive voice=query into the bin. But I'm just not getting it. Can anyone give me a passive voice tutorial? Anyone?      What I do know is that the word "was" is a big indicator that you're using passive voice. Like, instead of saying, "It was cold" you should say something like, "the cold seeped into my bones and I shivered". Passive voice doesn't relate to the character, where as active voice does. The thing is, when I'm trying to trim and trim and trim some more, I don't want to get all wordy all the time. Sometimes I think it's better to get straight to the point by saying, "Lord Alric was just as charming as I imagined him to be" (straight out of my book), rather than something a 16-yr-old would never say like, "I had imagined the extent of Lord Alric's charms, and they didn't disappoint".
     I'm wondering if maybe the use of WAS doesn't necessarily make it passive voice. Or, if it's ok to use the was sometimes. When I read about how bad Passive voice is, I decided to look through the first paragraphs of three bestsellers. I counted at least 8 was's in each one. Just in their first paragraphs! So now I'm thinking that I really don't get it. Or maybe it's not so bad as websites and blogs are leading me to believe. Or maybe it is but some people just get away with it. Or maybe- and this is probably the right maybe- passive voice is one of those things that you need to watch out for just so agents/publishers don't have an excuse to toss your MS right off the bat. They see so many on a daily basis that I really shouldn't be giving them any kind of reason not to read past line one.
     Which is why I need a passive voice tutorial. I'm starting to see the benefit of all those writers who have MFA's. I'll just have to stick with my one year at university and one college writing class. Crap.

Never Give Up

     I was reading my sister-in-laws blog yesterday and she was talking about how we are the hardest on ourselves. She has a new church calling that is slightly overwhelming because it's new and something she's never done before. On her blog she said that she would feel positve about the whole thing and then seconds later she'd feel really down and think things like, I can't do this, it's not going to work out, they're going to hate me, etc. (Barb- I hope you don't mind that I'm talking about this on my blog!)
     It got me thinking, I feel that exact same way with my writing. Some days I think, my book is AWESOME! People will love it! I think Jessica is very relatable, she's funny, and she kicks butt. I think people will fall in love with her and with Alric and with their relationship and with well, eveything!
     And then I have those other days. Days where I think, my book sucks. My writing sucks. I have no skills whatsoever. Who is going to care about a stupid teen romance? It's not good enough to get noticed by agents. There are so many steps just to get published that it will NEVER happen for me.
     It's not just my writing where I get those conflicting feelings. Heck, I have them every day! Days where I think, I'm totally hot! And then days where I think, I'm such a fat cow. Days of, look what I got accomplished today! And days of, I got nothing done today.
     I think what's most common is days that go like this:

     So today I did my house cleaning, my writing, I exercised, and showered. I cooked all three meals, my kids got to school/ballet/kickboxing on time and ready, they did their homework, we listened to the scriptures.
     But there's so much I didn't do. I made Hamburger Helper and bagged salad instead of a homecooked, organic, completely-from-scratch whatever that so-and-so makes her family. I listened to the New Testament, but I didn't sit down and study and cross-reference and highlight for an hour like so-and-so does. I didn't do that puzzle, or paint, or draw, or whatever with my kids. Sure my house is clean but the floors really need to be mopped, the fridge needs to be cleaned out, and I don't even remember the last time I cleaned out my van!  I got my visiting teaching done this month but I haven't done any service. I never do geneology. I haven't read the past three Ensigns.
     I'm a terrible mother. I'm ugly and fat. I suck at writing. People don't like me.
     I'm such a failure!

     I write that in italics because those have actually been my thoughts. I've had days just like that. Days where I can't see what I accomplished, I can only see what I didn't do. Sometimes I don't have days, but probably most days I have moments. Moments of guilt. Moments of failure. Sometimes those moments drag me down and become days. Other times I can rise above those moments. I can say,
     I'M DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN!
     So why are we so hard on ourselves? Why do we compare ourselves to others? Why do we think others are perfect and have the perfect life when deep down we know that's just not true. No one is perfect. No one has a perfect life. Why can't we be happy with doing the best that we can?
     Here's the kicker. I think that if we weren't hard on ourselves, then we won't grow. If I say, I'm fine just the way I am, I don't need to change anything, then I'll just become stagnant. I'll never reach my full potential.
     So how do we find the balance? We have to be a little hard on ourselves so that we can become better. But if we're too hard on ourselves then we'll just get depressed, we'll feel worthless, and that DEFINITELY won't help us to become better.
     I think the point is to KEEP TRYING. NEVER GIVE UP. Maybe that sounds too simple, cliche, or even cheesy to some. But that's what we need to do. Keep trying. Do the best that we can. So at the end of each day we can say, I know I'm not a perfect mother/wife/housekeeper/writer/whatever. But I'm trying. I'm trying to be better. And I will try again tomorrow and the next day and forever. And hopefully, that's enough.

Taylor Swift - Back to December



     Last night I listened to Taylor Swift's Speak Now CD to and from dance class. The car was quiet since I was the only one in it, and I really had the chance to listen to the lyrics of every song.
     I'm a huge Taylor Swift fan. She isn't the best singer in the world, but there's something about her lyrics that I really connect with. They are so honest and raw and I really get them. I feel them. I think that's probably true for most of her fans- which is why she has so many. She was smart by admitting that these songs are about certain people (although she doesn't confirm who, some are pretty easy to tell). It makes the songs more interesting, it gets us involved in her personal life and feelings.
     Like "Back to December", for example. The video was almost disappointing because I hear this song and I think of Taylor Lautner (who the song is allegedly about- hello tanned-skin!). Not that he would ever be in the video, obviously, but I can't help but see what she sings about. I can picture it. The video didn't quite give me that. But I still love the song. Another one of my favorites off that album is "Enchanted". I swear I could write a book around that song! "Love Story" and "You Belong With Me" inspired me to write a YA book in the first place. You go Taylor!
     Anyway, I hear that she's coming to Edmonton on her tour. I'd love to be able to take Jade- I think that would be a really fun mother-daughter thing to do. So if anyone hears when tickets go on sale for that show- let me know!